I'm a writer. If I killed myself, I would write one hell of a suicide note.

Yes, I've decided. I'm going to write again.

I recently discovered that all that I have written so far (that's 13 chapters) is gone, vanished, disappeared. Probably in some kind of madness I deleted the whole folder myself and you have no idea how much I hate myself for that now.

Although, I believe that maybe it was all written wrong. I've been stuck on the 14th chapter for years and it just didn't move on. I guess it all disappeared to let me know that I have to write it all again from another angle, differently. It probably was way too boring anyways.

I actually have so many new ideas right now. I just wish I could put them all down soon enough and well enough.

So now don't be surprised if I disappear in myself again. I might lock myself out more than I have so far. Don't be surprised if I'll be gone for a while. I'm getting back to my writing mode. Be warned!

I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't...

Today has been an amazing day.

Except the part of the weather where it was so damn hot and I was sweating like a pig and everything stuck to me. Hated that part. Although thunder and lightning and rain... don't forget the rain... these 3 always get me excited. In a very good way.

And the feeling of walking in the evening town after rain. The smell of freshly mowed grass mixing with the smell of rain and almost suffocating smell of bird cherry. Walking past the small gardens filled with colors. Youngsters sitting in the park drinking beer and cider from the cans, thinking they are the coolest in the world. That's what spring is all about. In this town anyways.

Went to the movies with Juta. The only person who gladly agreed to go and see "The Last Song" with me. As I expected for me this movie was a tear-jerker. It sure brought a tear to my eye. But I don't cry at the movies. I'm holding it all in. If I had watched it at home from my couch I would've cried like a newborn no doubt.

The movie touched one of my weak spots - dad and daughter relationship. As you know I'm a daddy's girl. The movie reminded me of the relationship I've had with my dad.

I've always wanted to be number one for him. I've always wanted to be around him. He's always made me feel safe. His company is something very special for me. I remember looking for excuses to spend time with him. Even if it meant sitting in the rain by the field cleaning beetroot listening to that awfully boring talk-show, he likes so much, from the radio. Or sitting outside in the awfully cold and rainy day grilling the meat 'cos that was the original plan and we had no Plan B. Or the times he had to drive to Tallinn and I would offer to be his company for the long drive getting a day off from school.

He is a typical Estonian man though. He doesn't talk about feelings. Not too often anyways. But on those rare occasions he's come to me. He would ask me what I think and then he would silently listen and nod and thank me in the end. Being his daughter I'm not that good at talking emotions either but I feel we understand each other without talking about it. Sometimes silence and one look can say it all.

I remember how years back, when I was still in middle school, he was offered a job in Tallinn. He didn't know what to do, what to answer. He came to me, quietly sat down next to me and said: "If I had to move to Tallinn for the job. Not for real but Monday to Friday. Would you come with me? That would mean a new school and all for you. Would you? I wouldn't want to do it alone." I didn't have to think. I said yes. Of course I said yes. I would do anything for him.

I love it how he just gets me. Like when I had decided to quit uni. I was trying to keep it a secret 'til the end of the holidays. I couldn't. One day I found him sitting in the kitchen just looking out of the window. I told him what I had done. He just smiled and asked if I was gonna go and try a year in another country. It made me laugh how well he read me. Or the times when he had just got the job at the school and all my teachers would go in and out of his office to tell him what I had done or not done and report about my grades or behavior. Not once did he freak out about it. He would just laugh it off with me. "You know Mrs X told me you did this or this in her class!" or " so how about that 2 you got in history?" He finally told all my teacher off for reporting about my every move.

I've been so proud of him. He's been the best dad he could be. He's an awesome teacher all the kids would like to have. He is this beautiful, sweet and wonderful man. And I'm not happy that I have let him down in so many occasions. I'm sad that we've grown a bit apart and we don't talk that often anymore. I hate the fact that I probably could never tell that to him myself. As I said - I'm his girl - not good with feelings.

The saddest part of the movie was when the daughter finally found out that her dad was gonna die. I started thinking what if I found that out about my dad. It would kill me. I believe my world would crash if I found out it was his time to go. I wouldn't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't.

It also made me think of you and your dad. Even though you said you weren't on that good terms with your dad throughout the years, I can only imagine how hard it was to lose your dad. It makes me sad that I couldn't meet him. It makes me sad that I couldn't be there when he left.

I wish I had the courage to just go up to my dad one day and say sorry for all the stupid things I've done and give him a hug and tell him that I love him.... before it's too late....

Butterfly fly away...

Somehow... Still not sure what happened exactly... I broke down.

I got more proof to the fact that I can't function alone. Can't survive on my own. Just like Bobby, there's one thing I can't do and that's being alone.

How am I alone? Oh right I have an amazing sweet family and lovely friends and what not. Sure I do. But then again I don't. Not the way I need anyway. There are people around me but there is hardly anyone there for me.

I can honestly say (and no, I am not proud of it) there is not a single soul on this planet who really knows me. Not even you. Although you know me better than anyone else. To you I've opened up the most and that's saying something.

I'm not blaming anyone but myself in this. Well, maybe I blame that girl from 12th grade when I was in 5th, and those boys from years above me around the same time. Maybe I blame some in my family for hurting me the way they have no idea they have. Maybe, just maybe they have given the push for me to go down the road that I have. Maybe, I blame her and her for not understanding the things I do and the way I act at times. Maybe I blame him for pushing me the way I didn't want to go. Maybe I blame you for being so... you, sometimes. But still there is no one I blame more than myself. (if anyone wanted to tell me to stop the self pity I would seriously slap them!)

I blame myself for getting into the drama and... (I so am not ready to say out loud the word I'm thinking of...) you know what.I know you told me. Several times. It was not my fault. I almost believe you and yet I feel it was. I blame myself for not telling anyone about it back then. It might have helped. I might have turned out normal instead of a f*** up. I wish everything had been different. The way I was. The place I was at. The people that were around. I know. I know. "I gotta let go and move on." It's not that easy.

Sorry, but you just can't expect me to flash a smile 24/7. I'm not that girl anymore. That girl died at the age of 10. Before that I was the girl who "never stopped smiling". There isn't much left to truly smile about. I try to find the most of it but I don't always succeed.

It's all been piling up. That's what I do - I pile thoughts and emotions. I've just had weeks to think without distraction. In my case distraction is always a good thing even when I tell you it's not. Maybe it's from all the thinking but my dreams have turned out really weird. They have turned out to be blasts from the past. They've been about people who cared. At some point. People who weren't afraid to say so.

I saw Marek. He was the protective one. Never took any s*it from people, especially about me. He was also the one who hid his sensitive side well from others except from me.

I saw Tambet. He was the gentleman. Polite, attentive, sweet and loving. Never missed a beat about my needs or wishes.

I saw Morten. He was the funny one. The intellectual one. The movie freak. The geeky one.

I saw Ergo. He was the charmer. Always ready to tell me how beautiful I was. The flirty one. He was also the unreachable but someone I just clicked with.

All these dreams were decent. Just talking, laughing, remembering.

And then there were the dreams with you in them. Romantic and tender and sexy and heated and indescribable and "I'm living for these days" kind of amazing. Just so very perfect.

I realized that everything I remember from those 4, all the qualities... they are all in you. And I can't help but think that maybe all of them were guided into my life for me to learn what I need to look for in a man. An then I met you. You're all that an so much more and yet you are so far. There have been times when I feel that I can almost touch you and suddenly I'm pulled away from you.

Now that I'm here in my flat all alone and all these things kinda burst out of me, I'm left with the white ceiling to stare at and think some more. Trying hard to figure out what is it that I have to do to make it all work. What do I have to do to get you by my side. What do I have to do to make you stay....

This time it's all me. Life isn't like in the movies. Life... is much harder.

I think I finally figured out what's wrong with me (not that it helps).

I've had a very shitty day... very shitty couple of days really. The reason I snap at most is all another story and I will not go there right now.

I did, however, figure out why I act the way I do when things get emotional, personal, private... I idealize... everything. Every moment. Every word. Every emotion.

I play everything I wanna say in my head like a movie. I play the part of a perfect leading lady in that movie and you are my perfect lover. The difference between you and me is that you are that perfect man for me even in real life but I'm not the one I see in my head. When I actually have to say things out loud, things that I feel or think, I get scared. I get scared that this is NOT what a perfect leading lady should say to the man she loves with all her heart.

Sometimes my walls are up again and everyone around me just bounce off of them but I don't see or feel a thing. I know this way I have hurt many. Still, the ones who know me well enough, know that it is not intentional. It's just me and my bubble. Just like it's always been. There are times when the walls are stronger and unbreakable. Right now is that time.

I saw you in my dream again tonight. Well... you've been in every dream I can remember for weeks. This dream was more real though. In this dream I could actually see you, feel you, smell you, taste you. In this dream I melted in your embrace and it felt so f***ing fantastic. In this dream... I can't even describe what I felt. In this dream we were one emotionally and physically. In this dream it was the way I want it all to be... for real.

I miss you so damn much! I'm yearning to see your face. To hear your voice. To feel your touch. To taste your skin. To be one with you in every way possible.

Now that I've said it... I'll go back working on not idealizing movie moments into my everyday life.

Silence is a scary sound....

It's been so quiet for weeks now. I'm starting to feel that I don't exist at all. The world seems to move around me but I'm not part of it. Just watching the loud and colorful life happening around me.

Tonight was the hardest I've had in a long time. I made the decision to bring Lady to the flat with me on Monday. She was missing us and we missed her. It's been so sad to see her get worse day by day. There's only skin and bones left. Her feet got swollen and she could barely stand and walk on her own.

Yesterday was not a good day for her at all. She didn't have a moment of peace. She was feeling so unwell she couldn't even sleep. Finally I took her in my lap so she could get a bit of rest. Only then she slept about 20 minutes.

The evening got worse. She was totally limp, unable to stand at all. When I picked her up it was as if she was a rag doll. The night she spent mostly in her own bed occasionally waking up and wondering around in the room. I believe poor dog had no idea what was going on around her.

I moved her bed next to mine so I could sooth her. It was such a sad sight. I had made the decision to end her misery the next day. It was just too much for her - to us. In the very end she couldn't take it anymore. She was in pain and she was crying. I felt so helpless. Just held her little swollen paw and prayed she would just let go and go to a better place.

At some point fell as sleep. So did I, her paw still in my hand. The next time I woke up - she wasn't breathing. She had listened to me and let go. I'm glad she did that. I'm glad she's not hurting anymore. I'm glad we didn't have to do it ourselves.

I'm so damn sad she's gone. She might have been annoying at some point but she was family. She was our baby.... and I'm crying again....

We're gonna go and bury her next to Semu and Tipa later this afternoon.

Rest in peace, Lady!

Sorry to dissapoint, girls, but I'm back in black, and needless to say, I'm in a mood.

This week has been pleasantly hectic. Haven't really had the time to feel down or emo. It's been bit sad and lonely 'cos Liisu's been at the farm. But there has been so much to do. I've been doing a bit of cleaning but mainly all the activities evolve around the upcoming birthday.

Last night I spent at Janne and Siim's place. We had to do the baking for Friday and allow me to say we did damn well :) The baking didn't take too long so most of the evening was spent behind a cup of tea chatting. It was a lovely evening. And I also delivered Janne's birthday gifts that she can finish by herself :)

So today it's her day. It's so cool to see her desk right now filled with colorful tulips. It's like she's sitting in the middle of a spring garden :)

Tomorrow we'll be celebrating our birthdays at work with the food and cake. Will be a fun day mainly 'cos it will be the last day before my vacation. 2 weeks away from this hellhole.

Remember the second thing I did? Yes that one. I got the answer, and it was a No! There goes my change of a life change. I have to stay here for a bit longer. I hope it works the way I had first planned but we'll see. Right now I do feel a bit doubtful but forcing myself to keep the faith and think positive. Still it feels like it's gonna be the saddest birthday I've ever had. Even sadder than the one I spent all alone back in the days.

I should be happy though for having all these sweet people around me. Sometimes it's just not enough.

Sorry, Time to stop emoing....

You hear about some kid who did something stupid, something desperate; what possessed him?

Well I think it's my turn. Last night I did something incredibly stupid. Or pointless. That is yet to be discovered. I hope it was just pointless and has no consequences. Otherwise... I'm sorry... My only argument is that I did it because I felt desperate and I know it's not even a real excuse.

I did something else as well. Something that could change my life over night. Not sure if it does though. Will get the answer to that latest on Friday. I hope this is a good thing. It sure feels exciting.

Why do I always need so much drama in my life? Or why is it always coming my way??

Drama magnet

I'm just gonna hope everything will work out... as always!

Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex.

That's right. I've been taken over by serenity. And I really like it. I'm not absolutely sure if it's because of the spring or it's the little help I got from outside.

Couple of weeks ago I got my aura cleaned. I felt the change immediately. I've been feeling so light and at ease ever since. On Mondays I've been arriving at work with a good mood and it's staid that way throughout the weeks - and THAT is NOT normal!! =)

I also got feedback about my aura colors. Dominant colors are golden, pink and shimmering white. These are all very inspiring colors. I'm ecstatic to have learned that golden aura indicates spiritual power and inspiration. I do feel very inspired lately. I feel that there is so much I want to and could do! The shimmering white also made my heart warm because it usually is found in auras of women who are in certain state or will be in that state in a near future. =) Bring it on! is all I'm gonna say =)

So after being helped by lovely Janet I decided to ask for some more help from her. It's not that I've felt uncertain or insecure but just because I wanted to know. With some more help from Janet I cheated and looked a bit into the future. Well she also gave an overall view about how I see myself and what I'm waiting from you and vice versa. I was amazed how accurate it all was. She also gave me a chance to get a glimpse of our future. It's not exactly the way I've planned but it was optimistic. It assured me that what I'm doing right now - giving you space, is the right thing. I feel that you need it with the new job and the stormy roller-coaster we just got off of. And the most amazing feeling is that I am not freaked out about it. I don't feel a bit insecure or afraid. I have complete trust in you. Deep in my heart I do dream of sharing all these little moments of my life with you but we have plenty of time for that.

I love this feeling of amazing lightness and freedom. I've been doing loads of artsy things and I've enjoyed every moment of it. I've been I've been to the farm working in the garden, taking long energizing walks, dreaming and laughing. I see our home more and more clearly now and it gives me all these happy vibes. I see us. The two of us. The four of us and even the five of us. It's an amazing feeling! I wish I knew how to share it with everyone!

Continuing on a positive note. We've been to Tallinn with dad, Liisu and Oliver to see High School Musical. I was blown away simply by the singing. It was a very well directed and performed piece. My absolute favorites were Ott, Silver and Taavi. Ott... well he is absolutely fabulous! =P I was amazed by his acting as well as his singing. He also helped me out with my birthday present for Liisu. Now I can just get her his new album and tickets to his concert on 24th of April. Yes! 24th of April will be the day just for Liisu and I =)

Talking about birthdays... there are so many of them coming up. On 16th we'll be treating our friends from work with a cake and coffee at a café. On 23rd we'll be treating people at work. 24th as I said is the day for girls only =P 25th - it's here - my 28th year on earth starting. Guess what!? Unlike few weeks ago I'm so not freaked out about it =) I actually welcome the new number happily. And what's better than starting the new year with a two weeks of vacation =P Me like!

Oh well, I actually should at least pretend like I'm working right now LOL

It's weird to write such a happy blog on a Tuesday evening =P And sorry for any grammar 'stakes - I really am not bothered to check it before posting =P Live with it!!!!

PS! I still love you! I will never stop! :) *huggles*

It might all be gone tomorrow...

Monday's got a beautiful baby

And Wednesday's child can never win

Little Saturday will work till he's crazy

But Friday's child was born to give

(Friday's Child by Will Young)

Will is so right about this. Monday's baby is beautiful and Little Saturday will work hard, Friday's child was born to give and I'm sorry honey but so it seems that Wednesday's child just can't win... But what about Sunday??? Looking at myself and my life so far... I'd say Sunday's baby was born to dream and idealize and build magical castles in her mind and still she knows they will become to life only with magic. I guess that magic was given to someone else. I wish it had been given to Friday's child 'cos he was after all born to give. I need that magic so bad right now because these wonderful dreams I have just need to come to life. They are too beautiful to be wasted. Then again it might be a wishful thinking only 'cos it just so happens that I'm in love with a Wednesday's child and he just can't win... Why does it have to be so damn complicated all the time?

I like it simple. Just like the week so far has been - Quiet. Simple. Almost perfect. There's only one thing missing - you!

So what have I been doing these past few days... I've been at the farm to start with. The smell of spring in the warm breeze that rushes through the windows makes me feel alive. And then I look outside expectedly and all I see is snow... it gets me down again. But I've found what keeps me going - playing housewife. I'm cooking and baking, and sewing and stitching and repairing stuff. This is what I wanna do for the rest of my life. I know it's a bold statement but it's true. Climbing up the career ladder or going out clubbing is so not for me. I want to be a wife, a mom. I want to have a house with a big garden and pets (starting with a dog and finishing with lizards). I want to have all that with you by my side.

I hope that whoever possesses the magic will see how desperately I need it, how desperately I want all that!

It's 1.30 AM. I think I'm done with the baking for today. It will all be gone tomorrow anyway....

The truth shall set you free ....

And so it did.

Things are looking brighter once again.

Morten was buried yesterday. I saw him in my dream again tonight. The first night I've actually slept after hearing about his passing. In this dream I saw him from a far. All he did was smile and wave at me. He seemed at peace and not upset at all about anything. I admire him being so damn cheery and positive even after his death. Anyway, he's gone now. For good. It's probably better where ever he is now. I'm so gonna miss him though.

Lady is doing visibly better as well. Two more days of medicine and I think she will be the same old her again :) It's good to see her eat again and play again. We really got worried there for a bit.

The main thing though that indicates the change for the better happened last night. To my surprise you were awake so early even after a long shift at work. I'm honestly not complaining. You sounded really happy from the beginning and joked around. Well not before making sure I was feeling ok :)

So we were supposed to open the envelope of truth. I laughed so hard when you announced Luke got there first. Luke the Skywalker puked on THE envelope :P This cat is classic!! I can't wait to meet him!!! So you had no choice but to save the paper inside. It sure seems it was Luke's way to tell us to stop the stupid stalling and just open the bloody thing already. All we had to lose was all our dreams and plans, right?

When the words "We're all good!" slipped over your lips I felt the weight being lifted from my shoulders... from my heart. I couldn't help but ask 3 times to make sure. You were right about how we both would feel. It did feel bit sad 'cos I as well was kinda starting to get used to the thought... Mostly though I was relieved and I know you were too. The answer made me feel so light. We have a possibility to start all over now. To move on with US again.

I noticed the tiredness in you. My poor baby has been working non-stop lately. I'm glad you had some time to get the rest. I did the same. I guess after all these months of darkness... we deserved it. *mwuahh!!* I love you, Monkey! :)

I got nothin' left! I hit my hand with a wrench today, and when I cried, only dust came out!

I hardly slept last night.

I made the final decision not to take Brian's offer. I know there are people who won't understand. They keep saying that he would want me there. Why would he want me there when he's not there himself? Not the way I would like him to be anyway... Sue me for being selfish

Yesterday, for a minute I thought about going. He himself told me not to worry about it. Yes, I spoke to him yesterday... in my dream. He gave me a hug and said: "I don't expect you to come. I know you don't want to. I know you love me and it's ok. I don't mind." Then he smiled and gave me a kiss. I woke up and erupted in tears. I've cried myself dry... the whole night I just cried...

He also told me that he now understands our relationship. Now, he said, he sees it from another angle and he thinks it's beautiful and it's right. He said sorry for giving me a hard time becuase of you. I never held it against him anyway. I know he just wanted to look after me.

I know what it's like to lose someone you care about, to see them one day and not see them the next and to know you'll never see them again.

Tuesday was going almost perfectly. You called :) just like you promised. I didn't say anything but I heard your voice tremble with the first sentence. And I know why that was. Now I feel bad that I refused to talk about it right away. I needed a bit time to be us... to talk about normal, fun stuff. And it was the best 30 minutes I've had lately :) But the internet just had to disappear, didn't it. Just before we could talk about the serious stuff... urgh!! But the good thing is - I'm not scared anymore even though we don't know the truth yet. I'm not scared because I have you, no matter what! You aid it and I believe you!

I wish you were there tonight 'cos I really need to talk to you. I need your soothing words. I need you to make me feel better 'cos right now I feel like I'm drowning. Forget the emoness. Today I'm beyond emo. Today I found out I've lost someone.

I got a phone call in the morning... I've always hoped I never have to answer a call of this kind, but I did today. It was Brian. He sounded so off for the early hours. I knew right away something was wrong. He then announced that Morten is no more... Apparently he had been in a wrong place at the wrong time and got himself killed. Bullet to the head. Clean shot. Dead on the spot.

God.... I never thought he'll go this way. He was the cheery kind of person who you would think would live forever. Who would do something like that to a perfect person like him??

I loved him... love him. Not the way I love you but... he was my friend! He was there with his cheerfulness when I needed someone. I hurt him back then and I let him down quite a lot but he was still there for me. Never let me down.

It's ironic that the last time I saw him was exactly a year ago in his flat in Copenhagen and there was a shooting down the street and he took it so lightly, comforting me, saying that no bullets can kill beautiful people like us. Indeed. We're bulletproof. Then why did he have to die? He was more than beautiful.

Brian offered to buy me the plane tickets to Copenhagen for the funeral. I refused. Not that I don't want him to pay for my ticket... just that... I can't go. I don't want to see Morten like this... I don't want to see him dead. I want to remember him the way I knew him - happy and alive.

I'm so sorry he's gone. I'm so sorry for Tony. I'm so sorry for Stine and Niklas. I'm so sorry for Brian. I'm so sorry...

We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world...

Only 2 more days 'til the truth... that is if nothing changes. Hah! Nothing changes... Everything is about to change one way or another and we are about to find out how exactly the changes will strike. 2 more days. That is tomorrow evening... 2 more days...

Yes, I'm scared out of my mind. Funny! I wasn't until now. I wonder why... Did I know unconciously that it wasn't the right to be scared? Did I know we'll have to wait this long? Did I hope our time management will improve before the truth is revealed?? I have no idea...

I'm terrified. Not because of us because I believe in us. I know we'll get through anything when we try. I am scared for you though. Scared that you'll be taken over by the guilt again... I am scared that you will be thorn between two roads... I'm terrified and I will tell you so tomorrow... I know you'll understand. I know you're scared just the same.

If you ask be whether I have decided... the answer is yes... and no. I've made one - the main decision long ago and you know what it is. Still, I haven't decided about the other thing. We'll see how I react. Don't be too upset if I hardly say anything, please.

I've dreamt about the possible outcomes every night. About both possible outcomes. It's driving me mad. Being in the dark I mean. If we knew, we would know which way to go. But right now... we're standing still. Apart. Alone. Scared.

I want it to be tomorrow. I want it to be over. It's been too long. I want us to be like we used to be.

Baby, with your education, you can come up with a better Dear John than that...

Last night someone wrote on my Facebook wall suggesting that my blog here should be called "Dear John letter". I guess he's right :) I'm not gonna change it though, however, I think I will try to write all of the following blogs in that manner from now on. (Thank You for the amazingly lovely thought, Rommy! :) )

Starting now :P - Major rant alert!!!

Dear Johnny,

Where do I start... so much to tell you... or then again maybe not... maybe I'm just bored out of my mind :P

Been trying to look extra busy today at work even thought there isn't much to do. The looking busy act doesn't work anymore though 'cos now all of us are just sitting, reading papers and what not.

I hate the fact that I'm basically just wasting my oh so valuable time here. When there's nothing to do I could do something productive at least for myself. One of the oldies told me the other day "we are not allowed to do handicraft when at work". But we are allowed to read newspapers and gossip mags all day long??? Kinda ironic innit?

I could be at home making those cool beaded beads I learned to make 2 days ago, or stitch dons of more cards, or start with pimping that knitty thingy for Liisu or finish knitting the hat and sewing that pink baby dress... but noooooooo!!! I have to sit here doing nothing besides fuming inside and finding more and more new ideas I could do instead of wasting all this time.

Last night I finished work at 7pm and when I got home it felt so empty despite the unladylike

Lady being there. Haven't been home alone in a while and it felt so odd and cold. Well it was freezing in the livingroom and I was sitting there wrapped in a blanket beading :P

The news about your free day being taken away suck :( I was getting so excited (and also bit scared - you know why) about it already. Now I guess we have to wait 'til Tuesday - unless they change their mind again...

Have I told you enough that I'm happy for you :) I do hope that it will last :) And we shouldn't worry about what's gonna happen... not just yet... we'll think about that on Tuesday, yeah? :) See? I'm keeping the faith just like you told me to and haven't turned back to emo yet :P

Oh wait... today is Thursday? That means Ray's ne vlogs and another =3 episode - excellent. Ray is just amazing with his =3 and his vlogs of course. I love the way he presents goofy humor but then again stays very sophisticated when doing it, not going along with the crap people want him to do. He's totally my hero when it comes to "internet trolls" as he calles them. Meaning the ones who go around commenting videos and people with epic expressions such as [apply troll voice here] "this is so fake and gay", "gay fag is gay" or "stop being so f*cking adopted all the f*cking time". To get some overview of what's going around in Youtube you should definately check out =3 and also Ray's personal vlog Breaking NYC.

Thanks to Rommy's comment about my blog, I went back to my old blog on MySpace... Oh the memories... it's been over 3 years now... weird. I'm still sad you deleted you account before I could retrieve your first letters. But reading those first postings made me quite nostalgic. I was awfully emo back then, wasn't I? ... well in the inside anyways... And you've changed all that. I didn't send you this song without a reason. It says it all :)

I was broken alone,

There were pieces of me

You saved me

The search was sweet

The piece of the puzzle,

The end of my troubles

When you found me

[.......]

You don't know what you did for me

I was all alone, I was nearly gone

You don't know when you carried me

Took my broken bones and put them back together.

Ok, ok... enough with the memories :P Hopefully I'll see you tonight... if not... I love you!! :)

Cold? Try evil and fucked up!

This is really, really f*cked up! All of it!

I hate Mondays like this. Especially after amazing Sunday nights like the one before. I hate it when I've explained myself to people before hand and they still think that it would be good idea to poke it - behind my back. I'll tell you what - IT'S NOT!!!!! Mark my words! I'm not gonna talk to you people the whole day and maybe even the whole week unless I really need to!

Gaaahhhh!!! I hate today! I can't wait for the evening 'cos I know the evening will be good just like last night was!

You can always make me smile and laugh :) And I honestly am very, very happy for You! It was about time you got a chance. Can't wait for You to tell me more tonight! *huggles*