Tell me are you feeling strong? Strong enough to love someone?

I'm starting to feel that I'm not. Not strong enough. I'm on the verge of losing. Losing to myself mostly. To myself and my thinking.

This damn year has been too long and too sad and too lonely. This year has planted so many doubts in my mind. This year is driving me crazy and this time literally. I'm acting like I've swore never to do. I'm thinking things I promised never to think. I'm breaking down every single night as soon as my head touches the pillow. It all just pours out of me with no end. Every morning I have to kick myself to get out of the bed and carry on with my everyday life. I would rather stay home with my red puffy eyes and wait.

Wait? For what exactly? Wait for it all to end? Wait to be strong enough to move on? I don't want it to end. I don't want to be strong and move on. Let me be more clear. I want it to end but I don't want IT to end... I'm lost in the dark and I just can't see the way out. I can hear voices somewhere afar and I want to go towards those voices but I don't know in which direction that would be. For the first time in my life I want to go back in time.

I've been watching too much Doctor Who lately. It's the only thing to keep my mind off things. But now I'm trying hard to call the Doctor to show up with his Tardis and take me back so for once I could do things the right way.

There are just so many things bothering me right now. Meeting you on the streets of Tartu. Seeing rather disturbing dreams about you. These are the moments that started this stupid thinking frenzy in the first place. I just need answers. I just need to know that you are alright. I just need to be sure that nothing bad has happened to you. I just.... need you!