I’m falling even more in love with you, letting go of all I’ve held onto...

Weird how life really is like a roller-coaster. I'm glad the downwards part has finally ended. I'm most afraid of those. I'm afraid of falling, especially when falling from the height I did...

I talked to someone very dear on the phone last night. I'm always happy to hear her and I'm so glad she has finally found someone so special to share her life with. I'm yet to meet the mystery man though. But he seems very nice. It looks like they are a good match. =)

Why I mentioned her and our phone call from yesterday is that we talked about you. No need to worry =) She knows you and you know her. And she listened to our story of the past year, what happened, what didn't happen, how we were apart and how we've managed to change all that around and got back to the point where we started. She pointed out something that we have joked between us as well. You're bloody Edward and I'm frigging Bella XD

Remember our first years together? How we couldn't live without each other? How you read my mind? How we went out of our ways just to spend every possible minute together? How my friends often thought that I was crazy being in love with someone so different (different from them - not me)? That was the Twilight phase.

Then came the New Moon phase. Edward disappeared with words "You're better of without me!" leaving Bella behind broken and devastated and in uncertainty. In the end Bella did what she needed to save Edward, to show him that being apart wasn't an option. So Edward came back. You came back. Everything is just as perfect as it used to be. I'm happy again. You're smiling again. We're being us again. It seems that the time apart did us a lot of good. And I guess it was badly needed.

Now, even though I can't be happier to have my Edward back, I'm bit afraid of the Eclipse phase. I did laugh a lot when I read the book, however, it probably won't be that funny when I'm in between the bickering. And oh I know there will be bickering when you get here and I know between whom. The vampire and the wolf of course. I don't want it to ruin everything and I don't really want to take sides. I want you two to work together. Be civilized. Even though I'm not the praying type I will pray for you to act like human beings =P

The phase I've been looking forward the longest is of course the Breaking Dawn phase. The marriage, the baby, the happily ever after =) I have thought about the Volturi as well. I guess it will be the migration officers XD However, we've both read the books - we'll beat them!!!

You're the one to blame for this stupid rambling 'cos you were the one who told me about Twilight in the first place! XD

And yes, I'm falling even more in love with you and there is nothing in this world that could change my mind!

XXX

Red

Silence is all we have to give and the memories of a life I wish we'd lived...

My life has stopped. It has frozen. It is just standing still.

Everything and everyone is moving around me. Going places. Doing stuff.

Not me. I find it hard to move at all. With every tiny step I feel the painful stab right in the heart. And after every tiny step, after every painful stab I bleed. I bleed for days.

So I choose to be alone. Alone in the borders without moving. It's safer this way. Not necessarily less painful but much calmer. I don't have to try so hard to hide my wounds, my blood, my pain.

I don't expect others to understand. All they think about is themselves anyway.

However, being alone in the hiding, I've thought a lot about escaping. About running away for good. Where no-one can find me. Where no-one can come and drag me back...

Nevermind me, never mind me. My God I feel so small....

Sometimes I feel like screaming. Today I feel like screaming. For the last few weeks I've felt like screaming. I've felt like screaming out all the pain I have once again trapped inside.

I can't say it's nothing to do with you. It has a lot to do with you... and me. But also it has a lot to do with other people.

My self-confidence has hit the highest peek yet. And yet I feel like I'm nothing. I feel like I don't matter at all. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere anymore.

And there's this pain I can't talk to anyone about. I can't talk about it because they won't understand. I know everyone's noticed that I've distanced myself from them but I also know that they think it's for another reason. Little do they know they are so very wrong. Even if they would ask what was on my mind, I doubt I would tell them. I am going to tell you. I know you'd understand.

I just wish I could talk to you about it soon enough before I'm gonna explode. Or before I do something stupid.

It's been so lonely without you here, like a bird without a song. Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling. Tell me baby where did I go wrong?

It's been almost a month at my new job. I love it. It's simple, it's different, it's almost like a vacation for my brain. People are great and I feel I fit just perfect with them

I also started with a running training and yoga classes. I decided to focus on myself and work for now. Putting all my focus on those two at least for a while. I promised myself not to think about you or us or what could have been or what went wrong or what never came to be...

Still it's almost spring and it makes it makes it impossible to do. Loving couples and pregnant happy women are EVERYWHERE. It makes me want to scream in the inside. It makes me want to get on the plane right now and get to you and get all the answers to prove you that we could still make it! It makes me want to draw out all the plans and dreams we had so you could see them all at once. I want you to remember them and how they came to be. I want you to think of how much fun we had talking about them, developing them sometimes getting so ridiculous that we laughed for a long time afterwards.

I want to prove you that those issues we had were so tiny that we just imagined them too big and then got scared. I want to prove that we could beat all those problems without effort.

I don't want my nightmares of you turning into a typical redneck only because you did what others thought was right, to turn into reality. I don't want you to get lost in your fears and doubts. I don't want you to disappear.

I want to bake you honey cake or what ever you want when ever you want it.

I want to watch every Doctor Who episode and every Clara's movie with you.

I want to be there for you when you are feeling down and you don't really feel like talking.

I want to watch you when you style your hair.

I want you to buy the "Picnic" for us, even though I hate the car.

I want you to catch me off guard and hear me sing when I think I'm alone (only so you could know how I honestly don't sound like an angel).

I want to cook side by side with you.

I want you to rant about geeky stuff you like.

I want you to show me the photos from your past so I could try hard not to laugh ('cos I did promise not to).

I want you to tell me about the latest book you just read

I want you to say: "Red, will you be my wife?" all over again.

I want to wake up in your arms every morning.

I want to live at the "mushroom farm" with you and our 3 kids and dogs and cats and horses and ducks.

I want to show you and only you what my love is capable of.

I want you to stay true to your words: "I may turn away from others, yes, but never from you."

So, I'm begging you - don't turn away from me, leaving me in the dark facing the unknown 'cos I don't know what to do or where to run. If I can't trust you, then I have no clue who to trust.

I want you to keep your promises.

I want you to let me love you the way you deserve.

There is so much I want to do with you that listing them all would taken an eternity.

I'm visualizing the second chance!

I just poured my heart out there's bits of it on the floor and I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water...

I'm sorry. So sorry for my last post. With writing it I did something I'd promised myself I'd never do - I blamed you.

The truth be said I was bitter and sad and dry and lonely long before I met you. You were the one who helped me to forget it all for a while. You were the one to remind me of good things in life. I should be thanking you for all the amazing moments and emotions you gave me.

I'm sorry. I won't blame you again. I will blame the only one to be blamed and that's me. It's been me all along.

I hope you can forgive me.

There's a hole in my heart
No one else can fill it
There's a feeling I have
No one can replace
There's a taste in my mouth
No one else can give me
There's a song that I hear
No one can erase...

(Like a flower by Madonna)

When you go, would you have the guts to say "I don't love you like I loved you Yesterday"...

What happened? Did something happen? Or is it that nothing happened?

It was long time coming, wasn't it? I just refused to see it. Refused to admit what was obvious. Who's the fool now?! Me of course. It's always me.

While coming to work today, I realized that you've turned me into bitter, mean, frowning, sad excuse of a human being. Thanks to you I'm disappointed in everything and everyone, mostly in myself though. I hardly ever smile or laugh with a meaning any more.

I know it's pathetic. I know I'm pathetic. I know it won't do me or anyone else any good. I know I should just move on. I know I should... but I can't. I don't want to. I want to mourn and I will do so. I'll hide it well though. I always have and always will.

I'm the master of disguising my feelings. You should know. I know you know. I know 'cos you often complained about it. And I never learned.

I still do it. At this time even more than ever. Most of the people have no idea what's going on in my head and in my heart. They think that I'm tired or just lazy. They have no idea that not a single minute goes by without me missing you, without me inwardly crying.

Even my family thinks you're still around. I'm glad the last months I've been in the flat all by myself so I don't have to hide my tears, my anger, my loneliness.

I need to start all over again. New page in my book.

I already got a new job. What I need now is another place to live. All by myself. I need new surrounding. New people. New meaning for life.

Then again I know I can't just erase what we had. I can't just forget and start new. I'll be the girl who can't be moved. Hoping that "one day you wake up and find that you're missing me and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be. Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet and you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street. So I'm not moving."

I lived in a paper bin, which I lived curled up and forgotten in...

I guess I'm damaged goods. Too damaged to waste any time or effort to repair. So I'll lay on the shelf waiting for a better day, which will never come. I'll lay there gathering dust and just fade away. Wondering what could have been if things had gone my way.

All the letters that I've written have ended up in the paper bin 'cos there are no words to tell you how I feel.

It's odd isn't it - me not able to find the words. I've never been good at this. Never been good at telling how I feel. I'm better at showing... but you're not here to see.

I miss you!

Tell me are you feeling strong? Strong enough to love someone?

I'm starting to feel that I'm not. Not strong enough. I'm on the verge of losing. Losing to myself mostly. To myself and my thinking.

This damn year has been too long and too sad and too lonely. This year has planted so many doubts in my mind. This year is driving me crazy and this time literally. I'm acting like I've swore never to do. I'm thinking things I promised never to think. I'm breaking down every single night as soon as my head touches the pillow. It all just pours out of me with no end. Every morning I have to kick myself to get out of the bed and carry on with my everyday life. I would rather stay home with my red puffy eyes and wait.

Wait? For what exactly? Wait for it all to end? Wait to be strong enough to move on? I don't want it to end. I don't want to be strong and move on. Let me be more clear. I want it to end but I don't want IT to end... I'm lost in the dark and I just can't see the way out. I can hear voices somewhere afar and I want to go towards those voices but I don't know in which direction that would be. For the first time in my life I want to go back in time.

I've been watching too much Doctor Who lately. It's the only thing to keep my mind off things. But now I'm trying hard to call the Doctor to show up with his Tardis and take me back so for once I could do things the right way.

There are just so many things bothering me right now. Meeting you on the streets of Tartu. Seeing rather disturbing dreams about you. These are the moments that started this stupid thinking frenzy in the first place. I just need answers. I just need to know that you are alright. I just need to be sure that nothing bad has happened to you. I just.... need you!

Writing is escaping...

So I think the reflexology sessions are working. I feel like writing again. So I've decided to open another blog. This one here is more real life stuff and the new one is for my writings.

Today I've moved drabbles from my ancient blog to the new one. Everything posted today are actually written between 2006-2008. Meaning I've had a 2 years long writers block. Hopefully it's all over now.

Go check out my Unsaid Things now published.

There are times when you just get down, you feel like nobody likes you. We're in high school forever...

It's been a strange month... strange half a year really. Everything seems so out of ordinary these days and I can't really put my finger on it. Well I can... but I decide not to - it would only make things worse.

One thing that is different, is the fact that it feels just like high-school all over again. There are the teachers (who don't teach), there are the bullies, there are friends, there is The Boy, there are those kids who gladly slag off others but are too afraid to say something to people's face. You know same old same old schimmyschyschooma... or however that went...

Yeah... so that's exactly how it's been. Me trying hard to prove myself, help others, get things done for once, get The Boy to notice me, be a good friend etc. Doesn't seem to work though. Just like back in high-school. Have I told you how much I hated high-school? How much I hated school generally? Well I did - big time. I might have made a brave face and endure what ever landed on me but those 12 years of my life killed most of me.

This morning I shared my story to another friend. She is the only one to have heard the story besides you. Now sitting here alone I started thinking how did it get so far that I told her everything (almost)... And I realized just like you she has never judged me, never done me wrong... and things we were talking about just kinda needed an explanation from my side. What was amazing though, was the fact that I didn't get so nervous anymore. Sharing the secret with you has helped me to deal with it within myself and I don't feel as much shame about it anymore. I doubt I will ever get over it completely but once again you've helped me to come a long way.

I know you've heard this billions of time but I miss you. Yesterday was one of the worst and the best day ever. We ended up in water-park in Värska. We went with the whole family plus Mooni 'cos she was staying with me. Soaking 3 hours in the water and saunas was amazing. Finally I felt like I was actually on a vacation. Almost blacked out in the sauna though. Was sitting there for a bit too long. But after cooling off under Mooni's watchful eye I pulled myself together and did some more soaking in the water. We ended the day with a picnic by a lake and a bit of walk in Meeninkunno moor. Those were the best parts of the day.

The worst were the moments I missed you. I missed you missing the whole fun. It's been a while since we last had a family outing with the whole family together but still it felt like the family was missing one member - you.

The evening got even worse for a while. We had decided with the girls to go out to the club. As it was the Halloween party and the theme was movie characters we were well up to it. Hell - I was well up for it. I really wanted to go as It Girl. I think I would have pulled off a good Clara impression =) Although I decided against it as you wouldn't have been there to see it. I had my outfit well planned out. And as I didn't really have much to choose from I was pretty happy with what I came up with. I only needed one more thing. An essential thing for my outfit. So I sent text on msn and phone to my sisters for them to bring it to me. I asked for 2 more things that weren't needed for the party but just... Obviously they had forgotten everything I had asked for. As my outfit choice was now ruined I was no longer in the mood for a party. I should have started all over and I was just too gutted to do all that. I mean I asked for one thing that was essential and they forget it. Earlier that day I had to remember a whole bag full of their stuff to take with me and I remembered every single one of them. I feel I had every right to be upset about it. High-school all over again. Being invisible and unimportant once again.

So last night instead of a club ended taking a walk in nightly town with Mooni, letting out our frustration. Sleep was also good. I dreamed of saving tiny colorful lizards from heavy traffic.

Today I discovered that someone I knew back in Odense, Jonathan, is now doing stand-up comedy. Through his blog happened to see 2 of the videos of his live performance. He's really good. My kind of humor =P

Today I also remembered how much I dislike central bus station. Was sending Mooni off and I got the chills from the place... and not the good kind.

It's been rather slow today. I feel really tired from yesterday, from disappointment and I even cancelled visit to Janne's. And now I'm unable to reach anyone from home to ask if I have a chance of getting home tonight or not. Oh well... if they don't give a damn then I don't either.

I can't turn this around. I keep running into walls that I can't break down...

The last few weeks I've spent mostly with Adam and I've realized how easy it is to fall in love with this guy :) And I'm talking about Adam Lambert here...

His songs have made me realize just how much I actually love you and how difficult it would be to let go of you even if it were the right thing to do....

Life HAS gotten weird. I would give anything to get it back to the way it was. It's one of those times when everything is turned upside down and I don't know where to run or what to do.

There is an idea cooking inside my head but it would mean giving up a few things that have grown on me. At the same time I know that it's one of those things I have to do. I have to move on... in so many ways...

I'm not gonna do anything before I get this one very important response, though.

Sometimes life sucks so bad!

One tear at a time stained her pretty face. No one knew she was so fragile like a thin piece of lace.....

Just an awfully lonely night....

Oh Bambi... I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy...

Yes, I cried for Bambi today. Not litteraly. I did cry though, for someone I don't even really know.

One lady at work lost her husband of almost 50 years. I heard the news already on Friday. However, today she came back to work. All I could do was to give her a hug and it felt like I didn't help her to feel just slightly better at all.

It made me think about what would it feel like.... losing someone you've spent more than half of your life with. She knew it was coming. We all knew. Yet it striked like a lightning from a clear blue sky. She tries to look like she has accepted the fact but I know she hasn't.

I can't even imagine how I would feel if I should lose you like this. If I should lose you forever. Even though you're not right by my side at the moment, you're still here - on planet earth.

Wow, thinking of something like this while at work and crying at work for a stranger.... that's a new level - even for me!

So far away from where you are.....

How come every time I listen to Morrissey or Lifehouse I miss you more than ever?

Today it was Lifehouse again. I know that I'll talk to you soon still can't help but miss you =)

So far away from where you are

These miles have torn us worlds apart

And I miss you

Yeah, I miss you

So far away from where you are

Standing underneath the stars

And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased

I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face

I miss all the little things

I never thought that they'd mean everything to me

Yeah, I miss you

And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart

I see the shadows of your face

Just know that wherever you are

Yeah, I miss you

And I wish you were here

("From where you are" by Lifehouse)

Drowning in the silent screaming, nothing left to say....

Nothing has worked out with the writing... I started big and full of energy but it all died off soon. Oh well, I'll just keep trying.

Been writing e-mails though. Too many of them actually. And now I'm feeling that I'm just messing it all up again. God, can't I just live without the drama????

In my last e-mails I'm sure I sound like a true loon. I bet I come across as an emotionally unstable person.

I meant everything I said though. Every single word. And you know what's the weirdest thing? Even though me being upset is justified, I feel guilty feeling this way. I feel guilty saying it all out loud. You always courage me to express all that I keep inside and every time I do I feel guilty. I'm not normal I'm telling you!

I just wish you would come up with the date and time soon 'cos otherwise I'm gonna run out of things to keep me busy. I've tried almost everything I'm at least a bit good at. Not really helping.

Gaaahhh... I should really be sleeping you know. I have another early morning and another frustrating day ahead and I just can't fall asleep. Instead I have to sit here and rant about nothing important. Lame!!! I'm absolutely lame!

I need a break. I need to get away. Even if only for a day. Away from all the people and this place.

I've been taking up meditation again. Helps a bit. Should really focus on it more so I could get 100% out of it but I need more selfdicipline for that. And that I lack right now. I'm exhausted and I can't even make myself go to bed....

I'm gonna switch play on my Espen Lind and Lifehouse playlist now and hope I'll fall asleep. And I'm not gonna check the grammar or read this blog twice so I could facepalm myself tomorrow =) I like this plan.

Goodnight!