It's been a strange month... strange half a year really. Everything seems so out of ordinary these days and I can't really put my finger on it. Well I can... but I decide not to - it would only make things worse.
One thing that is different, is the fact that it feels just like high-school all over again. There are the teachers (who don't teach), there are the bullies, there are friends, there is The Boy, there are those kids who gladly slag off others but are too afraid to say something to people's face. You know same old same old schimmyschyschooma... or however that went...
Yeah... so that's exactly how it's been. Me trying hard to prove myself, help others, get things done for once, get The Boy to notice me, be a good friend etc. Doesn't seem to work though. Just like back in high-school. Have I told you how much I hated high-school? How much I hated school generally? Well I did - big time. I might have made a brave face and endure what ever landed on me but those 12 years of my life killed most of me.
This morning I shared my story to another friend. She is the only one to have heard the story besides you. Now sitting here alone I started thinking how did it get so far that I told her everything (almost)... And I realized just like you she has never judged me, never done me wrong... and things we were talking about just kinda needed an explanation from my side. What was amazing though, was the fact that I didn't get so nervous anymore. Sharing the secret with you has helped me to deal with it within myself and I don't feel as much shame about it anymore. I doubt I will ever get over it completely but once again you've helped me to come a long way.
I know you've heard this billions of time but I miss you. Yesterday was one of the worst and the best day ever. We ended up in water-park in Värska. We went with the whole family plus Mooni 'cos she was staying with me. Soaking 3 hours in the water and saunas was amazing. Finally I felt like I was actually on a vacation. Almost blacked out in the sauna though. Was sitting there for a bit too long. But after cooling off under Mooni's watchful eye I pulled myself together and did some more soaking in the water. We ended the day with a picnic by a lake and a bit of walk in Meeninkunno moor. Those were the best parts of the day.
The worst were the moments I missed you. I missed you missing the whole fun. It's been a while since we last had a family outing with the whole family together but still it felt like the family was missing one member - you.
The evening got even worse for a while. We had decided with the girls to go out to the club. As it was the Halloween party and the theme was movie characters we were well up to it. Hell - I was well up for it. I really wanted to go as It Girl. I think I would have pulled off a good Clara impression =) Although I decided against it as you wouldn't have been there to see it. I had my outfit well planned out. And as I didn't really have much to choose from I was pretty happy with what I came up with. I only needed one more thing. An essential thing for my outfit. So I sent text on msn and phone to my sisters for them to bring it to me. I asked for 2 more things that weren't needed for the party but just... Obviously they had forgotten everything I had asked for. As my outfit choice was now ruined I was no longer in the mood for a party. I should have started all over and I was just too gutted to do all that. I mean I asked for one thing that was essential and they forget it. Earlier that day I had to remember a whole bag full of their stuff to take with me and I remembered every single one of them. I feel I had every right to be upset about it. High-school all over again. Being invisible and unimportant once again.
So last night instead of a club ended taking a walk in nightly town with Mooni, letting out our frustration. Sleep was also good. I dreamed of saving tiny colorful lizards from heavy traffic.
Today I discovered that someone I knew back in Odense, Jonathan, is now doing stand-up comedy. Through his blog happened to see 2 of the videos of his live performance. He's really good. My kind of humor =P
Today I also remembered how much I dislike central bus station. Was sending Mooni off and I got the chills from the place... and not the good kind.
It's been rather slow today. I feel really tired from yesterday, from disappointment and I even cancelled visit to Janne's. And now I'm unable to reach anyone from home to ask if I have a chance of getting home tonight or not. Oh well... if they don't give a damn then I don't either.
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