I got more proof to the fact that I can't function alone. Can't survive on my own. Just like Bobby, there's one thing I can't do and that's being alone.
How am I alone? Oh right I have an amazing sweet family and lovely friends and what not. Sure I do. But then again I don't. Not the way I need anyway. There are people around me but there is hardly anyone there for me.
I can honestly say (and no, I am not proud of it) there is not a single soul on this planet who really knows me. Not even you. Although you know me better than anyone else. To you I've opened up the most and that's saying something.
I'm not blaming anyone but myself in this. Well, maybe I blame that girl from 12th grade when I was in 5th, and those boys from years above me around the same time. Maybe I blame some in my family for hurting me the way they have no idea they have. Maybe, just maybe they have given the push for me to go down the road that I have. Maybe, I blame her and her for not understanding the things I do and the way I act at times. Maybe I blame him for pushing me the way I didn't want to go. Maybe I blame you for being so... you, sometimes. But still there is no one I blame more than myself. (if anyone wanted to tell me to stop the self pity I would seriously slap them!)
I blame myself for getting into the drama and... (I so am not ready to say out loud the word I'm thinking of...) you know what.I know you told me. Several times. It was not my fault. I almost believe you and yet I feel it was. I blame myself for not telling anyone about it back then. It might have helped. I might have turned out normal instead of a f*** up. I wish everything had been different. The way I was. The place I was at. The people that were around. I know. I know. "I gotta let go and move on." It's not that easy.
Sorry, but you just can't expect me to flash a smile 24/7. I'm not that girl anymore. That girl died at the age of 10. Before that I was the girl who "never stopped smiling". There isn't much left to truly smile about. I try to find the most of it but I don't always succeed.
It's all been piling up. That's what I do - I pile thoughts and emotions. I've just had weeks to think without distraction. In my case distraction is always a good thing even when I tell you it's not. Maybe it's from all the thinking but my dreams have turned out really weird. They have turned out to be blasts from the past. They've been about people who cared. At some point. People who weren't afraid to say so.
I saw Marek. He was the protective one. Never took any s*it from people, especially about me. He was also the one who hid his sensitive side well from others except from me.
I saw Tambet. He was the gentleman. Polite, attentive, sweet and loving. Never missed a beat about my needs or wishes.
I saw Morten. He was the funny one. The intellectual one. The movie freak. The geeky one.
I saw Ergo. He was the charmer. Always ready to tell me how beautiful I was. The flirty one. He was also the unreachable but someone I just clicked with.
All these dreams were decent. Just talking, laughing, remembering.
And then there were the dreams with you in them. Romantic and tender and sexy and heated and indescribable and "I'm living for these days" kind of amazing. Just so very perfect.
I realized that everything I remember from those 4, all the qualities... they are all in you. And I can't help but think that maybe all of them were guided into my life for me to learn what I need to look for in a man. An then I met you. You're all that an so much more and yet you are so far. There have been times when I feel that I can almost touch you and suddenly I'm pulled away from you.
Now that I'm here in my flat all alone and all these things kinda burst out of me, I'm left with the white ceiling to stare at and think some more. Trying hard to figure out what is it that I have to do to make it all work. What do I have to do to get you by my side. What do I have to do to make you stay....
No comments:
Post a Comment