I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't...

Today has been an amazing day.

Except the part of the weather where it was so damn hot and I was sweating like a pig and everything stuck to me. Hated that part. Although thunder and lightning and rain... don't forget the rain... these 3 always get me excited. In a very good way.

And the feeling of walking in the evening town after rain. The smell of freshly mowed grass mixing with the smell of rain and almost suffocating smell of bird cherry. Walking past the small gardens filled with colors. Youngsters sitting in the park drinking beer and cider from the cans, thinking they are the coolest in the world. That's what spring is all about. In this town anyways.

Went to the movies with Juta. The only person who gladly agreed to go and see "The Last Song" with me. As I expected for me this movie was a tear-jerker. It sure brought a tear to my eye. But I don't cry at the movies. I'm holding it all in. If I had watched it at home from my couch I would've cried like a newborn no doubt.

The movie touched one of my weak spots - dad and daughter relationship. As you know I'm a daddy's girl. The movie reminded me of the relationship I've had with my dad.

I've always wanted to be number one for him. I've always wanted to be around him. He's always made me feel safe. His company is something very special for me. I remember looking for excuses to spend time with him. Even if it meant sitting in the rain by the field cleaning beetroot listening to that awfully boring talk-show, he likes so much, from the radio. Or sitting outside in the awfully cold and rainy day grilling the meat 'cos that was the original plan and we had no Plan B. Or the times he had to drive to Tallinn and I would offer to be his company for the long drive getting a day off from school.

He is a typical Estonian man though. He doesn't talk about feelings. Not too often anyways. But on those rare occasions he's come to me. He would ask me what I think and then he would silently listen and nod and thank me in the end. Being his daughter I'm not that good at talking emotions either but I feel we understand each other without talking about it. Sometimes silence and one look can say it all.

I remember how years back, when I was still in middle school, he was offered a job in Tallinn. He didn't know what to do, what to answer. He came to me, quietly sat down next to me and said: "If I had to move to Tallinn for the job. Not for real but Monday to Friday. Would you come with me? That would mean a new school and all for you. Would you? I wouldn't want to do it alone." I didn't have to think. I said yes. Of course I said yes. I would do anything for him.

I love it how he just gets me. Like when I had decided to quit uni. I was trying to keep it a secret 'til the end of the holidays. I couldn't. One day I found him sitting in the kitchen just looking out of the window. I told him what I had done. He just smiled and asked if I was gonna go and try a year in another country. It made me laugh how well he read me. Or the times when he had just got the job at the school and all my teachers would go in and out of his office to tell him what I had done or not done and report about my grades or behavior. Not once did he freak out about it. He would just laugh it off with me. "You know Mrs X told me you did this or this in her class!" or " so how about that 2 you got in history?" He finally told all my teacher off for reporting about my every move.

I've been so proud of him. He's been the best dad he could be. He's an awesome teacher all the kids would like to have. He is this beautiful, sweet and wonderful man. And I'm not happy that I have let him down in so many occasions. I'm sad that we've grown a bit apart and we don't talk that often anymore. I hate the fact that I probably could never tell that to him myself. As I said - I'm his girl - not good with feelings.

The saddest part of the movie was when the daughter finally found out that her dad was gonna die. I started thinking what if I found that out about my dad. It would kill me. I believe my world would crash if I found out it was his time to go. I wouldn't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't.

It also made me think of you and your dad. Even though you said you weren't on that good terms with your dad throughout the years, I can only imagine how hard it was to lose your dad. It makes me sad that I couldn't meet him. It makes me sad that I couldn't be there when he left.

I wish I had the courage to just go up to my dad one day and say sorry for all the stupid things I've done and give him a hug and tell him that I love him.... before it's too late....