This time it's all me. Life isn't like in the movies. Life... is much harder.

I think I finally figured out what's wrong with me (not that it helps).

I've had a very shitty day... very shitty couple of days really. The reason I snap at most is all another story and I will not go there right now.

I did, however, figure out why I act the way I do when things get emotional, personal, private... I idealize... everything. Every moment. Every word. Every emotion.

I play everything I wanna say in my head like a movie. I play the part of a perfect leading lady in that movie and you are my perfect lover. The difference between you and me is that you are that perfect man for me even in real life but I'm not the one I see in my head. When I actually have to say things out loud, things that I feel or think, I get scared. I get scared that this is NOT what a perfect leading lady should say to the man she loves with all her heart.

Sometimes my walls are up again and everyone around me just bounce off of them but I don't see or feel a thing. I know this way I have hurt many. Still, the ones who know me well enough, know that it is not intentional. It's just me and my bubble. Just like it's always been. There are times when the walls are stronger and unbreakable. Right now is that time.

I saw you in my dream again tonight. Well... you've been in every dream I can remember for weeks. This dream was more real though. In this dream I could actually see you, feel you, smell you, taste you. In this dream I melted in your embrace and it felt so f***ing fantastic. In this dream... I can't even describe what I felt. In this dream we were one emotionally and physically. In this dream it was the way I want it all to be... for real.

I miss you so damn much! I'm yearning to see your face. To hear your voice. To feel your touch. To taste your skin. To be one with you in every way possible.

Now that I've said it... I'll go back working on not idealizing movie moments into my everyday life.